


Never Expected You

by Lostinfantasies38



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Confessions, Connor Deserves Happiness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Intrusive Thoughts, Kissing at Midnight, M/M, Protective Connor, Protective Evan, Standard DEH Warnings, Suicidal Ideation, The Boys Have Some Explaining To Do, This is actually very sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29201511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostinfantasies38/pseuds/Lostinfantasies38
Summary: Evan goes for a late-night walk to clear his head, but his hopes for quiet in the park are dashed with the appearance of none other than Connor Murphy. The guy who shoved him and stole his therapy letter on the first day of school. The same guy he's terrified to talk to, but not for reasons anyone would assume.When given the chance to run, he does what any sane person would do — he stays. Which changes everything.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 91





	Never Expected You

It was late. Too late to be walking around outside simply to center himself after a panic attack. Yet, here he was, traipsing through his quiet neighborhood to the nearby park at eleven at night.

Evan knew from many night wanderings it’d be deserted. Rundown and forgotten by the elderly residents, it was a relic of rusted merry-go-rounds and creaky swing sets. So overlooked by the world, it wasn’t even a hangout for drug deals making it a perfect place for him to regroup when his empty house became claustrophobic.

Rounding the corner, he hurried to his favorite spot under a large elm tree. Settling between the roots, he curled in the shadows and breathed in the familiar scent of dirt and grass. The tension coiled in his shoulders gradually eased as he cycled through his breathing exercises, focusing on the sensory information around him. Leaves rustling in the breeze, the scratchy bark against his clothes, the last of the fall fireflies winking in the dark.

The tightness in his lungs faded as he steadily calmed, properly inhaling for the first time in hours. Sighing softly, he knocked his head against the tree trunk and massaged his temples. The re-oxygenation of his brain brought his attention to the pounding headache left in the wake of his earlier heaving sobs.

Shit. He probably triggered a migraine that would dog him for the next week.

To make his situation even more pathetic, he couldn’t even remember what set off his attack in the first place. Probably something stupid like everything related to him. He rolled his eyes as Dr. Sherman’s voice reminded him to break the cycle of negative thinking and to not allow his bad days to define his worth. Which was a nice sentiment, but was harder to believe when his self-esteem was nonexistent.

Grumbling under his breath, Evan levered himself up to begin the walk home, when the heavy stomp of boots halted his movement. Melting into the shadows, he watched warily as a hunched figure entered the park. Evan prayed the newcomer wouldn’t head toward his hiding spot, but the universe rarely gave him what he asked for.

He barely contained his gasp when he recognized the person as Connor Murphy. Rubbing the sleeves of his hoodie across his tear-stained face, he settled on the opposite side of the tree with a gruff curse. Evan covered his mouth and forced himself to breathe shallowly in the oppressive silence.

Why was Connor here? He’d never seen him at the park before and he would know considering he was here at least three times a week. Hell, Connor didn’t even live in this neighborhood! He probably found it by accident, looking for a place to get high, if he wasn’t already. But from what Evan could tell in the admittedly weak moonlight, he didn’t seem stoned. Agitated, maybe, but that wasn’t a surprise.

Evan knew he couldn’t be seen by the guy. Their history was rocky, to say the least, and the mood Connor was in likely wouldn’t endear him to Evan if he thought he was spying.

There was a small path along the back of the park that would spit him out in the alley, and from there he could run home. The trick would be to get away unnoticed, which was easier said than done in the dark. Deciding to leave, Evan carefully crouched and began crawling from the tree, but a twig snapped under his palm halting his progress.

“Who’s there?” Connor demanded, scrambling around the trunk.

Sitting up with a grimace, he sighed and dusted off his hands. “It’s Evan,” he whispered, flicking his gaze sideways to meet the glare leveled at him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Connor hissed.

Sucking in a deep breath, he said, “I-I live up the road. I come here a lot to clear my head when I’ve had a rough day.”

Narrowing his eyes, Connor spat, “How long have you been here?”

Pulling out his phone, he checked the time, unsurprised to find it was almost midnight. “Um, nearly an hour.”

Something flashed across Connor’s face, but it was too fleeting to name. Flopping against the tree beside him with a long-suffering sigh, Connor mumbled, “Sorry I interrupted your… whatever.”

Stamping down his surprise at the apology, Evan shook his head quickly. “No, no, it’s fine. I-I was about to leave, anyway. I can go if you want space.”

Connor rolled his head to face him, allowing Evan to study him openly. His eyes were listless and his lips were red in places where he’d bitten them. It was a stark contrast to the deathly pallor of his complexion, made more unsettling in the moonlight.

A sick sensation settled in the pit of Evan’s stomach. Normally Connor was confident and haughty, staring down his detractors from his impressive height, parting crowds around him like the Red Sea without a word. He was angular and lanky; a mass of jagged edges and caustic sarcasm most purposefully avoided.

Tonight the fire that usually raged within him was cold. It was unnerving, and a voice in Evan’s head insisted he not abandon him.

Tugging on the hem of his jacket, Evan hesitantly suggested, “Or I could stay. Sometimes being alone is worse.”

Connor shrugged dismissively. “Up to you.”

Settling into a comfortable position, Evan glanced at Connor, noting his brief astonishment before he disappeared behind a curtain of messy curls. Turning aside, Evan willed the blush warming his cheeks to fade.

He couldn’t, in good conscience, leave him alone when he was clearly upset. It was obvious Connor dealt with mental health issues. Not the same as his maybe, but Evan recognized the despondency in his eyes. He saw it often in his reflection, and he was all too familiar with what people would do when life felt hopeless.

And Connor hadn’t attacked him or blown a fuse, solidifying his decision to stay. This wasn’t the teen renowned for his explosions and sharp tongue. This Connor was weary and tired and heartbreakingly alone.

It was eerily similar to Evan’s situation, and it slowly dawned on him they weren’t so different. His chest constricted oddly as he looked at the black figure next to him. Underneath the haggard appearance was a boy begging for someone to give a damn. Evan remembered his charming smile, last seen years ago when his hair was shorter, and the ring of his laughter on the school playground. It stung to realize he couldn’t recall how long it had been since he’d heard it.

He ignored the small voice that hissed his reasons for sitting with Connor in the middle of the night were not wholly altruistic.

Evan watched him chip away his nail polish for a beat before abruptly laying a hand over his to still them. Connor stiffened under the touch but otherwise didn’t react.

“Stop,” Evan whispered. “Now you have to re-do them to make them nice again.”

A choked noise spilled from Connor’s lips. “I wasn’t planning on re-doing them.”

“Why not?” he asked with a frown. “You’ve been painting them since eighth grade.”

Peeking through his hair, Connor blinked owlishly at him. “You… know that?”

“I mean, yeah. Doesn’t everyone?” Evan stammered, suddenly aware he gave away more than intended with that observation. Connor shook his head, unable to tear his eyes from him, and Evan’s neck flared ultraviolet in the dark.

“Oh,” he murmured in embarrassment. Clearing his throat after a lengthy pause, Evan released the other boy’s hands, surprised yet again Connor hadn’t protested the prolonged contact. “I guess I-I noticed because you started with blue. It’s my favorite color,” he offered feebly in explanation.

Connor nodded slowly. “I still use it sometimes. But more like, navy, y’know.” He shrugged and flicked a clod of dirt. “Everyone still thinks it’s black, though.”

Butterflies fluttered in his gut with Connor’s honesty. The piece of himself willingly shared, however small, made him instantly approachable. There was more to Connor than he let on, confirming what Evan had always known to be true — he wasn’t a soulless monster.

There might be bits of truth in the gossip regarding his smoking habit, but pot wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe it was medical, or at least used therapeutically? And while he never started fights at school he certainly finished them, but they couldn’t be considered his fault when his actions were in self-defense.

He wasn’t perfect, by any means, but he wasn’t what the rumors claimed either.

“Well then,” Evan replied thoughtfully, “you should use navy when you repaint them. You won’t be the only person who knows now.” A tiny smirk played on Connor’s lips, and Evan smiled softly at the minor victory.

“Yeah, alright, Hansen,” Connor murmured. Tapping his head against the tree, he raked a hand through his hair with a sigh. “Fuck. I should probably head home. Moping out here all night won’t fix shit.”

Fiddling with the hem of his shirt, Evan blurted, “Will you be okay?” Connor pinned him with an intense stare and Evan swallowed. “I just mean, I don’t know h-how far away you live and it’s really late.”

The unnamed expression from earlier flashed across Connor’s features again, but it cleared when he chuckled under his breath. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be alright. I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other before. I come here all the time.”

“You do?” Evan asked curiously.

“My house is, like, ten minutes from here and this place is quiet. I can think without worrying about anyone finding me. Until tonight, anyway.” Connor smiled, unfurling a tendril of heat in Evan’s gut in response to the exquisite gift.

Evan bit his cheek to restrain a grin which served to widen Connor’s. “I’m glad I did,” Evan admitted shyly.

“Y’know, I actually believe you, Hansen.” Connor dipped his head, but tucked his unruly hair behind his ear, keeping his face visible. Clearing his throat, he murmured, “For the record, I am, too.”

Evan couldn’t reply around the lump in his throat, gawking at the pair of small black studs in Connor’s lobe and the helix piercing shining in the silver light. Despite his reputation, one would have to be blind to not recognize he was handsome, but Evan didn’t need another reminder of just how pretty he was. An odd descriptor of male attractiveness, but it suited him. His sharp cheekbones alone qualified him for cat-walk levels of beauty, but paired with fathomless eyes framed by long lashes and the revelation of his piercings, Connor was fucking mesmerizing.

Unfortunately, Evan’s long-standing crush mattered little in the grand scheme of things. Connor was out of his league: too beautiful and edgy to ever be interested in boring, stuttering Evan Hansen. Hyper aware of his increased heart rate and terrified Connor could hear it in the deafening silence, he tore his gaze from the jewelry with difficulty.

Arching a brow at him in amusement, Connor smirked. “See something you like?”

Blushing furiously, Evan deflected, “When did you get them done?”

“This summer. What do you think?” he goaded around a grin.

“Looks really good,” Evan said, boring holes into the ground. When he chanced a glance up, Connor was nearer than before, warming the minuscule space between them with his proximity.

“You didn’t answer my first question. Do you see something you like, Evan?” Connor asked, voice husky and low.

Evan’s tongue tied in knots in response to the rabbit-rapid beat of his pulse, but he hummed quietly in assent, eyes flicking to Connor’s plump, bitten lips, and back to his dark gaze. The brief look was all the warning he had before those lips crashed against his, but he didn’t hesitate. Returning the kiss with fervor, he followed Connor’s lead, mimicking the slide of his mouth. It proved to be the right thing to do, as a hushed moan rumbled in Connor’s chest, sending tingles up Evan’s spine.

No matter how much he’d hoped for this over the years, he never expected it to _actually_ happen. Yet, here he was making out with Connor Murphy in an abandoned park in the middle of the night, pulling little sounds of pleasure from him.

Connor tugged him closer and Evan settled in his lap, straddling him with a contented sigh. Smirking triumphantly into the kiss, Connor nipped his bottom lip gently, drawing a high-pitched whimper from him. They separated then, Connor flushed and extremely smug, his hooded eyes swirling with want.

“I’m really fucking glad you were here tonight, Evan,” he murmured. Swiping his thumb across his freckled cheek, he said, “I’ve wanted to kiss you for ages.”

The anxious chatter in Evan’s brain abruptly stopped as the other boy’s words registered. Never in a million years could he have expected _that_ confession, but he’d be lying if he claimed it wasn’t welcome.

Sucking in a steadying breath, Evan nervously admitted, “Not as long as I’ve wanted to kiss you.”

“Sixth grade,” Connor said, his blush spreading to his ears as Evan gaped at him.

“Eighth,” Evan rasped through parched vocal cords.

Tilting his chin up, Connor smiled. “Guess this means I win.”

Pressing his lips together to restrain the bubble of exuberant laughter welling in his chest, Evan shook his head, smirking despite himself when Connor attempted to argue. “No, we both won. I’m sitting in your lap, aren’t I?” Evan quipped, inordinately pleased when Connor’s mouth fell slack.

Swallowing hard, Connor replied, “Smooth, Hansen. Like damn.”

Evan tossed him a cheeky grin prompting Connor to growl and seal their mouths together again erasing his smile. He happily let Connor deepen the kiss, groaning softly as they established a rhythm. Slender fingers carded through his hair, gently tugging the short strands, and he gasped as jolts of electricity lit up his nervous system. Connor hummed in approval, but it quickly devolved into a ragged moan when Evan pulled his curls in retaliation.

“Jesus fuck, Evan,” he gasped when they stopped to breathe. “You’ve done this before,” Connor teased.

Biting his lip shyly, he shook his head. “No. I’ve never even kissed someone.”

Connor’s hands knotted tightly in his jacket. “Holy shit,” he said, brows leaping in shock. “ _I’m_ your first kiss?” Evan nodded curtly, worried the information would disappoint him, but the chaste brush of lips across his eyelids laid his concerns to rest.

“I’m honored,” Connor whispered. Glancing at the ground sheepishly, he mumbled, “I’m, uh, glad you didn’t deck me for jumping you. I can be a bit… impulsive. I was a hundred percent sure you were straight and into my sister,” he finished with a self-deprecating chuckle.

“Oh, no!” Evan exclaimed, blushing clear to his toes. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Zoe is great, but I-I don’t see her that way.”

Frowning heavily, Connor questioned, “But... your letter?”

“Mhm,” he hedged. “I, uh, never had a chance to explain.” Peering at Connor from under his lashes, Evan caught the other boy’s guilty grimace. “I mentioned Zoe in it because I admire her ability to make friends and be herself. To be honest, I’m a little jealous of how easy it is for her.”

Sighing, he pressed his forehead to Connor’s. “All I want is to be normal. I thought if I could be her friend, I could learn how to be like that. But I know how stupid that is, and it’s why I never approached her. I mean, what the fuck would I even say? ‘Hi, I want to be your friend because I am socially inept and I need your help?’ Yeah, no thanks.”

Cupping his face, Connor said, “You don’t need to be like the rest of them. I like you the way you are. I always have.”

“Why me?” Evan asked tremulously. “I’m not special. And you’re —”

“Psycho?” he stated blandly.

Dropping his gaze, Evan muttered, “I was gonna say you’re beautiful and I’m not.”

“Oh my God, you have it backward,” Connor insisted, tilting his head to maintain eye contact. “You’re so fucking handsome with your blonde hair and baby blue eyes and freckles I’ve wanted to play connect the dot with since I was twelve. And your laugh! You can’t spring that on a guy without a goddamn warning. I’ve nearly broken my neck to it like a thousand times in six years.”

“No, no,” Evan mumbled, ducking his head in embarrassment.

“Yes, yes, yes,” he affirmed with a smile. “I wouldn’t lie to you, babe.”

His heart skipped a beat, not just at the nickname, but how easily it tumbled from Connor’s mouth. Naturally. Casually. As though meant to be shared between them. Color bloomed on Connor’s cheeks, but he didn’t explain it away or excuse it, and Evan’s heart rate tripled.

God, he used to dream of Connor saying something similar to him, but even as he sat in his lap, doubt crept insidiously in his mind. What if this was a one-time thing? Simply destined to be a notch in Connor’s belt, nothing more than a pity fuck in an empty park? He may not have much self-esteem, but he had self-respect, and he wanted more with the enigmatic teen than sex in the shadows.

“Am I? Your ‘babe,’ I mean?” he asked, ashamed of the quiver in his voice.

Fidgeting nervously, Connor cleared his throat. “I would like for you to be, if you want. No pressure if you don’t.”

Brushing his lips delicately across a prominent cheekbone, Evan relished the hitch in Connor’s breathing a half-second before the lanky teen relaxed with a relieved exhale and pulled them flush. Evan would be embarrassed by how furiously his heart was racing if he couldn’t feel Connor’s galloping to catch up.

“I would like that,” Evan murmured in his ear.

“Good, because otherwise I’d bitch about getting the wrong impression,” Connor said, his velvety tone strained with repressed emotion.

“I’d never do that to you,” he whispered.

They remained curled together for a while, content to merely hold one another and breathe in their unique scents: Evan’s warm and slightly sweet, Connor’s spicy and layered with smoke. They had a lot to learn about each other, but that could wait. Right now, he had everything he wanted, and he wasn’t in a rush to end things with a Q and A session. Only when Connor began shifting his weight in earnest did Evan slide bashfully off his lap.

Taking his hand, Connor smiled in apology. “Sorry. My ass is going numb. If we weren’t on the ground, I wouldn’t let you go.”

Evan returned the smile, a pretty flush blooming on the apples of his cheeks in the face of such honesty. Yet another thing the world had wrong about Connor Murphy — he did not lie. While Evan might be a pathological liar, a defense mechanism borne from his anxiety, he instantly swore to never lie to Connor. It was a guaranteed way to break his trust, and he knew firsthand how difficult it was to earn.

“It’s okay. We should leave anyway. It’s late.”

Nodding sagely, Connor sighed. “Yeah.” Evan stood, intending to help Connor to his feet, but the other boy tightened his grip.

“Wait.”

Grimacing as he shifted, Connor plucked a threadbare piece of paper from his back pocket. Evan gasped slightly when he realized what it was: his therapy letter from the first day of school. Two months ago.

His elbow throbbed with phantom pain. The cast displaying Connor’s signature was now gone, yet its absence didn’t remove his daily dose of guilt for bungling their conversation in the computer lab. Although this was the first time they’d spoken to each other since that day, Connor haunted his subconscious almost every night as Evan replayed the encounter over and over in his dreams.

He sank on weak knees beside the boy who shoved him to the ground and told him to fuck off because he thought Evan was baiting him. The same one he spent the past half hour shamelessly making out with like a hormonally charged middle school fantasy. But here in the dark, walls down and unguarded, Evan glimpsed another side of the secretive teen.

Evan stared at the discolored paper, dotted with tear stains and creases so worn it looked decades old. His throat tightened with the evidence of Connor’s obvious misery from their horrible meeting. Connor wasn’t a heartless bastard; in fact, it might be more appropriate to say he felt _too much_. Emotions erupted out of him because he didn’t know how to handle their intensity.

Swallowing hard, Connor thumbed the letter anxiously and Evan wondered how often he read it over the past eight weeks. His heart fluttered as he watched him gingerly unfold it, smoothing out the wrinkles with unsteady hands. Connor’s gaze flicked to his, and Evan’s stomach bottomed out to discover tears caught in his lashes.

Clearing his throat roughly, Connor whispered, “I didn’t read it fully in the lab. I saw Zoe’s name and freaked out. Too busy being a paranoid dick to listen to you.” Wincing in remorse, he croaked, “I’m so fucking sorry for that whole shitty day and for how long it’s taken me to apologize for it.”

“It’s okay—” he began, startled into silence by Connor’s angry hiss.

“No, it isn’t!” Running a hand through his hair, he swallowed hard and continued. “Jesus, I should have just _listened_ to you, but I didn’t get my head out of my ass until I smoked through my stash. Once I was blazed and calmed the fuck down, I read all of it. And then I read it again and again and again.” Evan yanked him against his chest when Connor unexpectedly broke, letting him bury his face in his neck and soak his collar with gut-wrenching sobs.

“I-I couldn’t believe you found the words to explain how _I_ felt. I never expected anyone to understand, but then it hit me like a goddamn freight train that _you_ felt that way, too. I can’t think of anything worse than for someone to feel like me. Except it was already worse because it was you. It sickened me to find out how much you hated yourself.”

Closing his eyes to ward off his tears, Evan’s stomach lurched. It was heartbreaking to witness his brokenness in someone else. They were both damaged, cracked and missing pieces, inherently understanding one another when no one else could. While their trauma and diagnoses might be different, their pain was the same. Wrapping his arms tighter around Connor, he unconsciously rocked him, shushing him quietly in the dark.

“I’m sorry you ever believed you weren’t good enough or that no one would miss you,” Evan said. “I would miss you, Connor, even before tonight. I would notice if you disappeared and I would miss you.”

Connor chuckled thickly, squeezing him in reply. “I would miss the fuck out of you, babe,” he croaked. “I know we don’t know each other well outside of school yet, but this,”—he rattled the paper without leaving the comfort of Evan’s embrace—“gave me a sneak peek into your brain. It’s gonna sound creepy as fuck, but I’ve kept an eye on you over the past couple of months to make sure you didn’t do something stupid. Something that would have been my fault.”

Evan’s blood turned to ice. There was no way he knew about the tree. He spoke in broad generalities, watchful for signs at school that Evan was suicidal, unaware he’d already tried over summer break and failed. He swallowed the bile scalding his throat when he cataloged the second half of his statement.

Exhaling raggedly, Evan said, “It wouldn’t have been your fault, Connor. You’re not responsible for me. And I felt that way before the first day of school. That’s just the only time I ever wrote it down.” The admission teetered perilously close to too revealing, but he had to reassure Connor and ease his guilty conscience.

“I just wish I’d known sooner,” Connor lamented. “I would have been there for you. I _should_ have been there years ago.”

Saltwater stung his eyelids as he burrowed into Connor’s mass of curls. “I would have been there for you, too. Maybe we could have had this sooner, but it doesn’t matter when we can be here for each other now,” he replied hoarsely.

“Yeah,” he whispered. Sitting up timidly, Connor wrinkled his nose and hastily wiped his face with his hoodie. “Ugh, sorry. I made you gross.”

Laughing kindly, Evan shook his head and thumbed away the tears trapped in the corners of Connor’s eyes. “You’re not gross. It doesn’t bother me, honest. I’m happy I was here for you.”

Connor blushed and ducked his head. “How are you so fucking nice? To me, of all people? I was a dick to you and you just forgave me —”

“And spent an hour attached to you like a koala,” Evan said, startled by his boldness. He blushed with a shrug. “There’s more to you than what you let everyone see. I like it. I like _you_.”

Mouth quirking into a lopsided smile, Connor said, “There’s more to you, too, y’know. But,” he arched a brow meaningfully, “I think it’s time we let this piece go.” Evan grinned eagerly when the other boy produced a lighter from his hoodie.

“Ready?” he asked.

Evan nodded and Connor laid his hand over his in a symbolic gesture as he flicked the lighter. They watched intently as the flame caught, licking rapidly along the letter that tormented them for months. A weight lifted from Evan’s soul as the words he typed in a furious bout of depression turned to ash. Dropping the page when it neared his fingers, Connor’s fierce expression didn’t relax until the last corner disintegrated.

Sighing in unison, Evan pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, murmuring his thanks. Connor nodded and cradled Evan’s head underneath his chin while they collected their scattered thoughts. This was not what he expected when he went on a walk earlier, but strangely, it was exactly what he needed. Talking to Connor and clearing the air between them, opening the door to long-held confessions, _kissing_ him — it felt like absolution. Forgiveness for past transgressions, granting him a clean slate to be a better person, and he would start by helping Connor.

“C’mon,” Connor said, “I’ll walk you home.”

Hands lazily entwined, the couple made their way silently up the street. As they neared his house, Evan fumbled for his phone. Passing it nervously to Connor, he asked, “Can I get your number? Y’know, in case you want to talk later.”

“Yeah, definitely,” he agreed, biting his cheek to subdue his wild grin. Quickly typing his information into the contacts, he sent himself a text, returning the device when they reached Evan’s porch.

Noting the empty driveway and the dark house, Connor frowned slightly. “You gonna be okay alone?” Evan’s heart skipped a beat at the concern in his voice, equally touched and uncertain how to deal with someone caring about him.

“I’ll be fine,” he answered. “I’m used to it. My mom’s a nurse, so she works overnights and pulls doubles a lot.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry,” Connor replied. Worrying his lip between his teeth, he blurted, “You… you could stay at my place. My parents won’t care.”

God, it was a tempting offer. He didn’t enjoy the oppressive silence of the empty house or the persistent feeling of being unwanted that his mother’s absence fostered. Evan knew it wasn’t her fault, but rationality didn’t stand a chance against self-deprecation and anxiety. And though he and Connor didn’t know one another well, they fit like a key finding the right lock after years of fighting the wrong doors.

He wanted to say yes, but he didn’t want to push his luck. What if Connor changed his mind tomorrow? He didn’t want to risk him waking up in the harsh reality of daylight and resent Evan for catching him in a moment of regrettable vulnerability. They needed time to process things, but logic couldn’t quell the warm gratitude coursing through him.

Blushing furiously, Evan shook his head. “No, but thank you for offering. I’ll be alright.”

Nodding sadly, Connor stepped closer, thumbing his cheeks sweetly as he stole another kiss. The tenderness of the touch and the gentle pressure against his lips struck Evan dumb. It wasn’t rushed or heated like their earlier ones. This one was soft, paired with hands cupping his face like he was fine china; a delicate treasure to be handled with care.

It floored him that this gorgeous, multifaceted enigma of a person spent years crushing on him and legitimately gave a damn about his well-being. All the confirmation Evan needed about where they stood was said in one dizzying kiss. He was thankful his fists were clenching Connor’s hoodie or he’d surely have toppled over.

Panting in the small space between them when they separated, Connor’s eyes searched him for a breathless moment before he whispered. “Can you do something for me, Evan?”

“Anything,” Evan pledged. He’d already stepped off the metaphorical cliff for this boy; there was no going back.

“You have to promise not to use them, but I'm gonna be real with you, I don’t trust myself with them right now.” Reaching into his hoodie pocket, Connor pulled out a bottle of pills, gingerly wrapping Evan’s hands around it like a nitroglycerin explosive.

“Promise me you won’t use them,” Connor pleaded again.

Evan’s eyes welled with tears as he stared into the dark abyss of Connor’s battered soul. The reason for his sudden appearance in the park cut him to the core, casting a deeper meaning on Connor’s gratefulness for Evan’s presence. If he hadn’t been there… No, he couldn’t even think it.

“I won’t, I promise,” he choked, hugging the bottle to his chest.

Shoving his hands in his jeans, he hunched his shoulders automatically when he hopped off the porch. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wait!” Evan yelled in a panic, rushing to the edge of the steps. Connor stared at him with wide, startled eyes while he sucked in a ragged breath and chose his words carefully.

“I-I’ll see you Monday, right?” Evan winced internally with how desperate he sounded, but the knots in his stomach loosened when Connor’s features softened into a faintly crooked smile.

“See you Monday, babe.”

He remained on the porch watching Connor walk away until he melted into the shadows before slipping inside the house. For once he was relieved his mom wasn’t home as he thundered upstairs and stashed the pills entrusted to him on the top shelf of his closet. Shucking his clothes, he pulled on his warmest flannel pants and a long-sleeved shirt to ward off the chill creeping through his veins.

Crawling into bed with a shiver, he forcefully banished the images supplied by his overactive imagination. Snapshots of Connor’s tear-stained face and tangled hair sprawled between exposed roots. Chapped lips pale, ocean eyes dim, chest housing his vibrant heart eerily still, garish orange bottle bearing another person’s name resting in a lifeless hand.

Dear God, if he hadn’t gone to the park tonight that would’ve been tomorrow’s headline. Connor’s death would’ve fueled the rumor mill at school for a week, at least. The vultures would’ve turned his memory into some sick sort of shrine, but Evan wouldn’t have forgiven himself for being so close, yet so far.

Tonight wasn’t simply atonement for him — it was Connor’s, too. Without the chance to explain the letter and tell Connor he wasn’t alone, he’d have died believing no one saw him. Worse, that the one person he knew could understand his pain didn’t give a shit about him. He went to the park intending to end it all and if Evan had gone home even five minutes earlier this whole night would be nothing more than a fever dream. A nightmare of “what if” to haunt him forever.

Evan wouldn’t have learned about Connor’s kind heart, or how much he cared about people, and the crushing guilt he carried for his actions. He’d never know how beautiful he was when he smiled or experienced his tender kisses and fiercely protective hugs.

For once in his life, Evan was blessedly grateful for the shitty series of events that led him to take a walk, because now that he’d spent time with the real Connor Murphy he couldn’t imagine going through life without unveiling him in his entirety. He was a puzzle he wanted to solve, a painting he wished to study until he found all the hidden meanings left by the artist.

Desperately clutching his phone, Evan choked on a brittle sob when it pinged.

_I’m home. Gonna crash in like 5 seconds_

The ice settling in his soul thawed under the flood of relief accompanying the text. Connor was alive and safe. Blowing out a shaky breath, Evan’s thumbs flew across his screen.

_Same here. I was waiting for you, but I’m gonna pass out now_

_Night Evan_

_Good night Connor_

* * *

Switching out his books at his locker Monday morning, Evan tried not to obsess over Connor’s promise while Jared droned about calculus in the background. Connor might have agreed they’d see each other at school Saturday night, but if he woke up needing a mental health day after the emotional weekend, he wouldn’t blame him. Evan just hoped he’d let him know, or he’d spend all day worrying.

A hand settled lightly on the textbook he’d been staring unseeing at for the last minute. His heart leapt in his throat with the appearance of slender fingers displaying a fresh coat of navy polish. Spinning around, Evan burrowed into Connor’s waiting arms, uncaring who saw or what rumors they sparked. Connor was alive and he kept his word. Nothing else mattered.

“Hey, babe,” Connor whispered in his ear.

Hugging him tighter, Evan settled as the robust rhythm of Connor's heart reverberated through his chest. “I missed you,” he murmured.

His Adam’s apple bobbed against Evan's temple as he steadied himself, but Connor’s voice cracked despite his efforts. “I missed you, too.”

“You did?” he asked. Leaning back, Evan’s mouth dried to find his hair pulled in a bun showing off his piercings.

Smiling fondly, Connor brushed a thumb along his jaw. “Hell yeah, Evan. Like, you don’t even know how much.”

“I think I might, actually,” he replied with a blush.

Connor’s unexpectedly rich laughter startled most of the student body milling in the hallway. Evan couldn’t contain his smile, knowing he was the only person capable of pulling random bursts of joy from the boy everyone feared.

Lowering his voice, Connor hesitantly asked, “Can I kiss you?”

“Oh my god, yes,” Evan breathed, ignoring Jared’s shocked sputtering on his left.

Connor wasted no time closing the distance between them, capturing his lips in a kiss sweetly reminiscent of the one on the porch. It was both a question and an answer; proving the passion from the park wasn’t a fluke as it bubbled steadily under the surface, threatening to overflow its banks and drown them both. Evan sank into the embrace, anchored by the firm grip in the curve of his spine keeping him upright.

When they parted, flushed and grinning, Connor finally acknowledged Jared with a curt nod. “Kleinman.”

Jared’s wide eyes were magnified to insane proportions behind his glasses. “Murphy,” he croaked.

“Got everything you need?” Connor asked Evan. Their hands automatically linked as he shut his locker. “C’mon, I’ll walk you to class.”

Evan chuckled. "Is this going to be a thing? You escorting me everywhere?"

Snorting in amusement, he replied simply, "Yep."

Tossing Jared an absentminded wave goodbye, Evan’s attention zeroed in on Connor, intently listening to what he said with a warm smile.

Zoe Murphy materialized next to Jared and hissed. “Did that just happen? My brother and Evan Hansen?”

Unable to tear his eyes from the laughing pair climbing the stairs, Jared mumbled, “Yeah, it fucking did.”

Chuckling in disbelief, Zoe laid a hand on his arm. “Well, I guess that means we can stop hiding, too.” Turning to face her, he noted the mischievous glint in her eyes as she bit her lip.

“Thank God for miracles,” he smirked before diving in for a heated kiss, ignoring the whistles and applause from their peers.

Connor might try to kill him later, but right now the broody teen was the last thing on Jared’s mind. Besides, his girlfriend’s brother didn’t have a leg to stand on regarding secret relationships, now did he?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos greatly appreciated! I hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I did! 💖


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